So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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