new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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