so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
