So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
