I'm gonna have a badass scar
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I can't put those talents on a resume
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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