There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
