She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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