Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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