clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
