Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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