If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
