I wish my penis had an off switch
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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