Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
