Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
