Apparently you make a good broom.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
