Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
