um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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