This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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