Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
It's never too late to be topless.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
