I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
