Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
