I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
