Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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