dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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