i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I deserve this hangover.
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