I can tuck mytits in my pants
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
