Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
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