i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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