This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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