Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
