a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
