The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
