Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
