Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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