textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
