im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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