Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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