Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
