just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
