brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
