Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
