It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
