Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Randomize
