can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
