I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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