explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
