I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
