You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
