They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
