I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Randomize
