I'm so fucking centered right now
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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